A lot has happened, and a lot shifted.
I have to admit, I'm really hurting right now. Death of friendship is never easy when it meant so much to you. I really do LOVE Betty and David. Betty and been a mentor, teacher, friend, and sometimes mother figure. She's helped me though many rough times in my life. I'm very heart broken. However I also know though in many ways she's helped me and been there for me, she's also been deeply cruel. And petty. She wrote me yesterday saying it was from love, and then not only attacked me, but Maia. Maia is a beautiful sweet innocent. Sure, she's scared to death of people. However she means everything to me. When I'm sad and laying down, she always keeps watch over me. Will come and lay on the pillow with me and look right into my eyes, and let me rest my head into her. She's the biggest blessing in my life.
Yesterday when all this went down, I was in such horrible space. I asked to sit and talk with them. They both refused. David said he needed space and Betty said she was just to busy for me. I was so very upset, and I pleaded with them to not let this go over the weekend, and to please not leave me alone. That I was in such bad space... to please not abandoned me at that moment. even as I write this I have to clutch my chest and sob, it hurts so very badly. I've been hurting so much lately, wondering why I was here and what was the point... and this really did push me to the edge because it made me feel so very, absolutely worthless. I think David did eventually come through for me... I didn't read his text because Sandie came to get my in the midst of all this. When I came home I deleted all texts, messages and emails I had gotten without reading them. I love them both... however at that moment it was in the best for my mental health to not put more poison in my system.
Last night I wrote and go t a lot out... sometimes writing and saying all you need to say can be therapeutic. Then I wrote them both emails. I explained to Betty that though I loved her, I can not continue a friendship with her. Though she's been there for me, and done a lot... there have been times where she's basically left me for dead. Two years ago in Feb. there came a time, a specific day, when I really came close to losing everything again. Betty had offered to give me rides on weekends to eBay. Being that there was absolutely no other way down there, I accepted. Money was tight, and I paid her as I could. A lot was going on... I had kicked out Aaron because he was a huge source of turmoil, and very cruel (especially when he was channeling "God," who he picked up on an Acid trip). That was another case of someone, who when you tried to talk about problems when they arose, took it hyper personally and would flip out. I felt Betty start to stiffen and pull back from me. And eventually one day when she was to come get me (I had taken Trax down, then caught then a co-worker would pick me up), she texted me saying she was leaving out of town, and to deal with it. After that she would not drive me. I know it was a long way to come, two ways. Still she had offered. Rather than talk about it, she just cut me off. I found another roommate and was trying to find ways to and from work. I did find a nice man named Chris who I thought would work well. However after about two weeks, he left due to issues with the landlord, and I feel as well because he was uncomfortable because I was very shy around him. The same day that happened, Raquel, someone I considered a friend who I also did ride share with a few days of the week (we came from the same Area and worked together) went to Management and said I was putting her out. I remember it so well, because I was told I needed to keep things outside of eBay. I just blinked because really, wasn't that what they should have been saying to Raquel and that she should deal with her own problems, rather than bring Management in. However she was someone who they were grooming towards Management. So I was stunned. I was potentially losing my living situation, and though I could get to eBay to work, getting home was impossible since no buses travel out that far as late as I worked. I asked about perhaps changing schedules, and was told point blank, "No." I really do feel like my Manager at the time was trying to push me out... strangely he actually would later become someone I really liked, and a benefactor as I proved myself to him (we would at one point talk about what happened, and I called him on the "Keeping things outside of eBay" thing, and he laughed and agreed). I had very few places to turn in that moment, and I felt like my world was crumbling. I had no roommate, rent I could not afford, a little dog to think of, and now the potential of being jobless almost immediately. I called Betty and told her the situation, and asked for help. She told me flat out, No. I asked if I could borrow her Car to go find a car of my own. No. Can I stay with you if the worse happens? No. Can you help me at all? No. Basically I was told it wasn't her problem and to deal with it. The thing is I had been a house guest of her's before, and she had always told me how she loved having me there and how little room I took up, etc. And how she would love me to just move in, if she had the room. So all of this was a huge blow... Literally I feel she left me for dead. And I don't think if Sandie had come through at that time and helped me find a car (with which I could commute to work, and find somewhere else to live), I don't think I would have lived. I was still healing from the events that happened after my Grandmother's death where I lost everything.
With Betty it's always been like this. And she's hurt me many, many times. I came to know I just could not ask her for anything. That when I did, to expect her to act put out, and treat you like shit. So I distanced myself, but kept the friendship. However for someone who says she's a friend, and she loves me... many times her actions really don't reflect that. For me, had tables been turned yesterday, I would have still been there for her. Even if I was busy, if she needed me, I would have made the time. Because I love her. Even if it meant staying up later, or maybe doing it the next day. I would never abandon her, or anyone I love, even if I was angry... especially if they were in a very bad space. To me that is what friendship is about. So that was a very deep hurt. And the sad thing to is that she was mostly upset about something I had said in regards to her having bought a dog in the midst of a financial crisis they were having. And I'm sorry, I do think that if you can't pay your bills, that's not the wisest choice. And yes, if someone said something like that to me, I would be offended. However I wouldn't become so absolutely venomous over it, nor would I go around attacking people. It was just all so petty and stupid. And I actually apologized to her before she laid into me, and told her I knew it was none of my business... and it was a stupid thing to say. Though part of it to what that I was upset that David went to her to get his parent's their Chiasmas gift, massages, rather than asking me. Now even if I said no, what hurt was that as close as we are, he didn't ask me. Betty took that personal as well, because she was the one asked to do the massages.
So that's that. I waited, got me feeling ut, and the wrote her a very clear letter, from a space of love, thanking her for everything, but being very clear that I valued myself more than to allow this to continue, or to sustain a relationship with her given the history. I also wrote David, and really did apologize and asked him to sit for a week and think about things. In regards to David, I'm really scared right now. He is my dearest friend, even if he doesn't feel that way about me right now. I know I hurt him. Sadly I do tend to sometimes throw in zings to letters without thinking much. However he's really important to me. I feel it was such a small thing, and that I had a right to own my feelings. That in adult relationship part of communication should be to let the other party involved know when we've been hurt. I would want to know... even if it hurt my feelings a little. Mainly because likely, it was without intent. And if we can be conscious of it, then we can perhaps not do the same thing in the future. A lot of the time I will let things go unmentioned. However, I don't think it's healthy. One small thing build on another, till it gets to be a big thing. And with things that start out big, holding them in can be poisonous... and eventually it explodes. I get the feeling a lot of why David is upset isn't just what I said to him two days ago about my being hurt... but it's a lot of little things he's been hurt by I've not been aware of, and this was the cherry on the proverbial top. Also with my having removed Betty from my life, and now deciding that I'm going to go back to the LDS Church because I've felt there are things directing me to explore that path again, I'm very, very frightened I'll lose his friendship.
Today is Sat. and Betty, David and I were to go and see Sweeny Todd. Was it only last week we were exchanging Solists gifts and telling each other how much we loved each other?? God it hurt so much yesterday when I asked them to talk to me and they both said it would have to be after New Years, and I realized they weren't going to let me come with them, and they planned to leave me alone for the Holiday. I felt, especially with Betty, that they were trying to punish me. Oh God, how this aches. Sandie said this would feel like a divorce, and it truly does. I feels almost as bad as when my Grandma died, and all I could do it walk the floor and weep. Last night we went to dinner and I realized I hadn't eaten that whole day... Really, this is mourning. This is a death.