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Dec. 29th, 2007

Where things go from here...

So it's been an interesting couple of days.

A lot has happened, and a lot shifted.

I have to admit, I'm really hurting right now. Death of friendship is never easy when it meant so much to you. I really do LOVE Betty and David. Betty and been a mentor, teacher, friend, and sometimes mother figure. She's helped me though many rough times in my life. I'm very heart broken. However I also know though in many ways she's helped me and been there for me, she's also been deeply cruel. And petty. She wrote me yesterday saying it was from love, and then not only attacked me, but Maia. Maia is a beautiful sweet innocent. Sure, she's scared to death of people. However she means everything to me. When I'm sad and laying down, she always keeps watch over me. Will come and lay on the pillow with me and look right into my eyes, and let me rest my head into her. She's the biggest blessing in my life.

Yesterday when all this went down, I was in such horrible space. I asked to sit and talk with them. They both refused. David said he needed space and Betty said she was just to busy for me. I was so very upset, and I pleaded with them to not let this go over the weekend, and to please not leave me alone. That I was in such bad space... to please not abandoned me at that moment. even as I write this I have to clutch my chest and sob, it hurts so very badly. I've been hurting so much lately, wondering why I was here and what was the point... and this really did push me to the edge because it made me feel so very, absolutely worthless. I think David did eventually come through for me... I didn't read his text because Sandie came to get my in the midst of all this. When I came home I deleted all texts, messages and emails I had gotten without reading them. I love them both... however at that moment it was in the best for my mental health to not put more poison in my system.

Last night I wrote and go t a lot out... sometimes writing and saying all you need to say can be therapeutic. Then I wrote them both emails. I explained to Betty that though I loved her, I can not continue a friendship with her. Though she's been there for me, and done a lot... there have been times where she's basically left me for dead. Two years ago in Feb. there came a time, a specific day, when I really came close to losing everything again. Betty had offered to give me rides on weekends to eBay. Being that there was absolutely no other way down there, I accepted. Money was tight, and I paid her as I could. A lot was going on... I had kicked out Aaron because he was a huge source of turmoil, and very cruel (especially when he was channeling "God," who he picked up on an Acid trip). That was another case of someone, who when you tried to talk about problems when they arose, took it hyper personally and would flip out. I felt Betty start to stiffen and pull back from me. And eventually one day when she was to come get me (I had taken Trax down, then caught then a co-worker would pick me up), she texted me saying she was leaving out of town, and to deal with it. After that she would not drive me. I know it was a long way to come, two ways. Still she had offered. Rather than talk about it, she just cut me off. I found another roommate and was trying to find ways to and from work. I did find a nice man named Chris who I thought would work well. However after about two weeks, he left due to issues with the landlord, and I feel as well because he was uncomfortable because I was very shy around him. The same day that happened, Raquel, someone I considered a friend who I also did ride share with a few days of the week (we came from the same Area and worked together) went to Management and said I was putting her out. I remember it so well, because I was told I needed to keep things outside of eBay. I just blinked because really, wasn't that what they should have been saying to Raquel and that she should deal with her own problems, rather than bring Management in. However she was someone who they were grooming towards Management. So I was stunned. I was potentially losing my living situation, and though I could get to eBay to work, getting home was impossible since no buses travel out that far as late as I worked. I asked about perhaps changing schedules, and was told point blank, "No." I really do feel like my Manager at the time was trying to push me out... strangely he actually would later become someone I really liked, and a benefactor as I proved myself to him (we would at one point talk about what happened, and I called him on the "Keeping things outside of eBay" thing, and he laughed and agreed). I had very few places to turn in that moment, and I felt like my world was crumbling. I had no roommate, rent I could not afford, a little dog to think of, and now the potential of being jobless almost immediately. I called Betty and told her the situation, and asked for help. She told me flat out, No. I asked if I could borrow her Car to go find a car of my own. No. Can I stay with you if the worse happens? No. Can you help me at all? No. Basically I was told it wasn't her problem and to deal with it. The thing is I had been a house guest of her's before, and she had always told me how she loved having me there and how little room I took up, etc. And how she would love me to just move in, if she had the room. So all of this was a huge blow... Literally I feel she left me for dead. And I don't think if Sandie had come through at that time and helped me find a car (with which I could commute to work, and find somewhere else to live), I don't think I would have lived. I was still healing from the events that happened after my Grandmother's death where I lost everything.

With Betty it's always been like this. And she's hurt me many, many times. I came to know I just could not ask her for anything. That when I did, to expect her to act put out, and treat you like shit. So I distanced myself, but kept the friendship. However for someone who says she's a friend, and she loves me... many times her actions really don't reflect that. For me, had tables been turned yesterday, I would have still been there for her. Even if I was busy, if she needed me, I would have made the time. Because I love her. Even if it meant staying up later, or maybe doing it the next day. I would never abandon her, or anyone I love, even if I was angry... especially if they were in a very bad space. To me that is what friendship is about. So that was a very deep hurt. And the sad thing to is that she was mostly upset about something I had said in regards to her having bought a dog in the midst of a financial crisis they were having. And I'm sorry, I do think that if you can't pay your bills, that's not the wisest choice. And yes, if someone said something like that to me, I would be offended. However I wouldn't become so absolutely venomous over it, nor would I go around attacking people. It was just all so petty and stupid. And I actually apologized to her before she laid into me, and told her I knew it was none of my business... and it was a stupid thing to say. Though part of it to what that I was upset that David went to her to get his parent's their Chiasmas gift, massages, rather than asking me. Now even if I said no, what hurt was that as close as we are, he didn't ask me. Betty took that personal as well, because she was the one asked to do the massages.

So that's that. I waited, got me feeling ut, and the wrote her a very clear letter, from a space of love, thanking her for everything, but being very clear that I valued myself more than to allow this to continue, or to sustain a relationship with her given the history. I also wrote David, and really did apologize and asked him to sit for a week and think about things. In regards to David, I'm really scared right now. He is my dearest friend, even if he doesn't feel that way about me right now. I know I hurt him. Sadly I do tend to sometimes throw in zings to letters without thinking much. However he's really important to me. I feel it was such a small thing, and that I had a right to own my feelings. That in adult relationship part of communication should be to let the other party involved know when we've been hurt. I would want to know... even if it hurt my feelings a little. Mainly because likely, it was without intent. And if we can be conscious of it, then we can perhaps not do the same thing in the future. A lot of the time I will let things go unmentioned. However, I don't think it's healthy. One small thing build on another, till it gets to be a big thing. And with things that start out big, holding them in can be poisonous... and eventually it explodes. I get the feeling a lot of why David is upset isn't just what I said to him two days ago about my being hurt... but it's a lot of little things he's been hurt by I've not been aware of, and this was the cherry on the proverbial top. Also with my having removed Betty from my life, and now deciding that I'm going to go back to the LDS Church because I've felt there are things directing me to explore that path again, I'm very, very frightened I'll lose his friendship.

Today is Sat. and Betty, David and I were to go and see Sweeny Todd. Was it only last week we were exchanging Solists gifts and telling each other how much we loved each other?? God it hurt so much yesterday when I asked them to talk to me and they both said it would have to be after New Years, and I realized they weren't going to let me come with them, and they planned to leave me alone for the Holiday. I felt, especially with Betty, that they were trying to punish me. Oh God, how this aches. Sandie said this would feel like a divorce, and it truly does. I feels almost as bad as when my Grandma died, and all I could do it walk the floor and weep. Last night we went to dinner and I realized I hadn't eaten that whole day... Really, this is mourning. This is a death.

Dec. 27th, 2007

It's been awhile

For the last while most of my blogging has been on My Space. However as that fills with people I actually know.... it's becoming uncomfortable. My God, I can't believe how long it's been since I used this thing.

Right now I'm feeling sad. My best friend, a person who I thought believed in me and wanted me to succed... When Christmas came around, and he wanted to get his Parent's massages... went to someone else we both know. It crushed me. I'm feeling to betrayed and hurt right now, I can't begin to explain it. He's never had work from me except for Reiki... but it made me feel like he didn't believe in me. I've always been there to support him in his musical career.... even when things didn't go well. Once the band he was opening for walked out on him. I relate it to that... what if I had been the one to walk out? That's how this feels.

Of late I've felt shaky in our friendship as it is. I go through this when I get to close to someone. Right now I really wonder about our future as friends. The thing is it also brought in the other friend he bought the massages from. This makes it more uncomfortable in regards to her as well. He said he did it because she needed money. And yes, she was having some difficulty. However one minute she can't pay the rent for the office we share, and the next she's buying a $300 dog from a breeder no less. And she took part of the rent she had from someone else we share with and put it towards her own bills. She's also someone who when the chips were down and needed help was there... then said she was there... then... wasn't. In fact she took actions that could have cost me a job and stability.

I love them both a lot... still right now I just sort of feel like I really don't want anything to do with either of them.

May. 14th, 2007

My new My Space


Add it. You know you want to....

May. 12th, 2007

So I pop in once a year

I have internet again, whic is so nice. OMG, cable internet is amazing. Currently I'm sitting around waiting for David to come get me so we can go to Lagoon. Mr. Drockton is my paltonic gay life mate ^_^. I don't think he realizes I call him that. He's a doll though. And absolutly my dearest friend in the universe. Things in general are good. I need to update that picture again. I'm working in admissions for UCMT (Utah College of Massage Therapy) which is amazing. Fingers crossed they keep me. More later, just checking in.

Jun. 20th, 2006

(no subject)

Though I may still stop by on occasion.... Have to read what everyone is up to.

And yeah,,,

The new pic...
That really is me.

Amazing what loosing the glasses once and awhile will do.

It's offical.

This journal is being officially abandoned.

Please visit my on My Space.

It has more features and I'm actually posting to my blog there.


Jun. 2nd, 2006

(no subject)

Can I also say, I guess I'm Emo and no one ever told me!

Hell, I didn't know what Emo was till two weeks ago. My little gay frined dave was like "Jenn, I'm going ot go Emo just for play! I need you to help me with the Make-up."

Dave has not called me reccenlty. Maybe I should check on him, or not. Cute kid. Just a bit superficial and shallow. He's very young.

(no subject)

So I've gone over to My Space. Friend me there, if you like.


May. 19th, 2006

So, am I being Naive?

WE had a birthday dinner for me this evening. Betty stated she didn't feel me going in and setting up buisness with M. was was a good Idea.

M. is that energy worker I've seen off and on, and who the infamous Mr. Brian rents from. SHe offered me space again to work out of , and didn't feel Brian would be an issue. I thought about it and decided to go forward and give it a shot.

Brian hurt me. Many times. He's also rather fucked up and has a ton of bagage and bad choices in his life. He's cut me, emotionally. I also felt he was dishonest and strung me along, toyed with me. His history is hadey and the things he;s played with and done questionable. I know these things.

I know Betty is concerned I'm going to get hurt again. Brian is over reacting as to all that took place. It was a few letters and a school girl fantasy at a time in my life when I was needy and desperate. He seemed exciting and like he'd lived. That was the draw. However the thing is, at this time in my life, I've incorpetated alot of what I was drawn to in Brian, into myslef. Or I've looked at how he's "Lived" and I know it's not what I want, nor what I want in a potential partner. I want someone smart in thier choices, not self destructive. I want someone whjo if they are spiritual, they actually live it as well. Not play with it on the side. I also want someone calm, grounded, and who has a future. Who can make it on his own. Not be a dependant. Brian is depandent. He's actually moved back in with the ex-wife, the one who cut up thier bed, as room mates. She's suppousidly really okay now, since she had shock therapy, and it totally platonic. And he worreis about me, and where I'm coming from *shakes head* (so fucked up). Point being, I want a man who lives as a man. An equal. Brian doesn't do that. He's not solid. He's not able to fully take on the role or responsabilty of a mate in the way I would need, being fully in myself.

These past couple of years have been a major growth phase for me. I've come into my own. Become a woman. Yes I have friends to depend on, but I do it on my own. It's frightening sometimes. Nonetheless I go every day. I push, I strive. I've made a life for myself. I live off of no one, I'm on my own. I make it. Sometimes barely, but I still make it. I've found balance in myself, and am happy with who and what I am.

So am I doing something potentially stupid by coming in with M? I wonder. I love the space, and she's someone I know I can rust, and feel god about. Brian is still part of the deal, though. She asked how I would feel about running up against his stuff. I said I was more worried how he would feel running up against mine. SHe waved it off. She knows the whole story. Also knows my energy and where I'm coming from. She trusts me.

Tomorrow I go and get a key for the office. I ponder this after the conversation tonight. If this is a naive choice to think Brian is just going to deal. I don't think he'll throw a fit in front of Maggie. HOwever he's going to think it's about him (ego). I thought it was sort of humerous at first, and that he'd be having kittens over it. He may have. However, I don't want to go through hell with or over that man again. It truly cut me to the center, some of the shit he pulled. He took me down to the bare bones of my foundation as a woman, makeing me feel like I was nothing. I hate him for that. Yet I do care to, becease he was kind once and there are gook memoires as well. However that's also why I dislike him. He posed such a pretty picutre, but there was a lot corrupt inside.

Also, if he is a predetor, and Shelby still poses that he is (she says how can you doubt Jenn, after what he pulled with you), then and I putting myself in a situation where I'm not safe, as well?

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