Log in

Change of feeling and reflection on events.

After situations like those that recently took place, I find that I do tend to ebb a lot. Sometimes coming from a place of love, forgivnes, and a higher place in clarity. Then, at other moments, still rather clear, but coming from lower energy... Wanting to impart the wrath of God on people.

Today was one such a morning... I woke up almost with the exuberance of a child. You know, like when you're three and your parents want to kill you because you are up at dawn, excited and want to get the day going? In the midst of this gleeful moment... it hit me that: I seriously disliked David. A lot. I wanted to take my broom and beat him with it. Seriously, being that I really do love the kid as well, it totally took me by surprise.

Of late I’ve also had some time to reflect on things...

I’ve had a sudden complete turn of emotional state.

Being Happy... Which shocks me, especially given everything..

I had known for some time something was off with the friendship with David. I had watched him act and interact with people, and at times we would talk about his choices. We would laugh because I was sort of his Jimminy Cricket figure, coaching him through moral dilemmas, or offering advice after choices had been made. There were things he did I didn't like or approve of, but I did love him. I saw a lot of good in that Boy. I recall a couple of times when things went down and we talked about he and I, and how he dealt with people in general. He would usually tell me I was different and that he would never do those kind of things to me... He valued me and our friendship to much.

And yet... He did do things in a very similar pattern. He can really be very cruel with people when he wants.

The one thing I've noticed since he has been gone, is First and foremost, I'm more stable, and, as mentioned... Happy. I don't know the reason for that, but none the less, I am. As time has passed I've begun to wonder about it though.... He was always so clingy and wanting attention. Always seeking my approval. If I didn't text him back or return a call he would ask if I was angry and do the lost puppy thing. He came in and wove himself deeply into my world. We were together often, talked daily. It's probably the closest I've ever been to a person who wasn't family in my life. And yet... I was so deeply unhappy at the end. Even before the argument started. And now that he's gone, ties cut... I'm perfectly normal. Sometimes I feel bad and miss him... but over all I'm in very good space, and feel very much in my body.

Which brings me to the next question... Being and empath and a Psychic, what the Hell was it about David or the Relationship, that caused my body to react like it did??

This is one that's going to take some time to figure out, I guess. Though given how far into the darkness I was going, I am glad that it ended. I don't think I would have lived. The day he and Betty turned their backs on me, I was ready to end it (also why I was even more hurt... They're both psychic. As connected as we all were, on some level they knew what I was about to do, and abandoned me for dead. If Sandie hadn't called, I would have done it). And now... I can't even imagine that... Sure things aren't perfect, but to kill myself?? It's beyond imagination.

That's where I'm seriously wondering about all this.

It's like as the weeks pass, other layers and thoughts come up about all this. It's like peeling back an onion. It will be interesting to see what I find once I come to the core of all of it.


March 2013

Powered by LiveJournal.com