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And the lesson learned

I went down to The Braid and talked with Ross there. The nice thing about reads is that they will most times let me know what I need, and they reaffirm that I'm all right.

Ross read on all of it. And, I feel at this point my direction at least with David is clear. For a long time now I've felt this ending. I've had a difficult time with that. I didn't want to loose him. However he is making it difficult for me to move forward. When he is around he is around all the time, to the point I have none for me... and when I take space it's "Are you mad at me Jenn?" Then when he's not there, and I feel insecure, then I'm clingy and being needy and not treating him like a friend. Today, as mentioned, he's not checked to see how either I or my mother are doing. Enough said.

I will not be contacting David again. At least not any time soon. And I did spell work just moments ago to energetically cut the cords between us. I do still have keep of a lot of his stuff. However I'll be moving to a smalled storage unit soon, and the plan was only for him to keep his stuff there a short while... and he's not paying rent like he promised.

Like with Betty, I value myself to much for this... I deserve more, and better. That's what true friendship is. Not just when it works for the one person, at the cost of the other. This is vampiric.

Ross also told me to watch in future for warning signs, and to feel through things. I'll be warned. And yes, I did have a lot of warning with David. I've seen him do fucked up, cruel things to people. He always said it was different than me. It is not.

At this point life moves forward, and he said drawing my boundries and closing this chapter will allow now opportunities to arise. I know back in the Brian days, George, another reader at the Braid warned me to seek Brian was to loose everything. I did. However I did also gain much, including my freedom... and I don't think looking back I would have chosen another path. The other thing he warned is that I would fall off my path, and have a hard time getting back on. This is where I am now. How does this move forward from here? What should I be doing? How, without a car at this point, am I to do massage? I may have to wait for warmer weather and see what I can find. My fear is I've not been doing it actively in some time. I also have my National Certification due to renew in a year. I have a certain number of hours needed to complete in actually doing massage, as well as continuing ed. Most jobs require insurance, which I don't have at this point. And sometimes monthly dues. I don't know if it would be best to try to fight to pull all this together, or to go back and try and do school... then just redo my national exam... which would also be Hell.
He did say most of my worry about holes in my education was in my head, and I could fill those holes without having to go back to school for a year... and I know he's right. However I also would love to have access to the UCMT database of jobs. Which I kind of sort of do, anyway.... most people do. And I worry about killing myself trying to work full time and go to school, without a car. I need a car, and I need money. Both seem to go hand in hand. Though I know in the past things have worked themselves out... I just need to figure it out this time as well.


March 2013

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