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Time and Season

I feel a bit lost right now. I went to church today in the first time in forever... it felt good there... but I don’t know. I have some very strong set beliefs. Reincarnation, Polytheism... I don’t think everything is really black and white. I find it a little hypocritical at times how we talk about greed, etc. in the church, as people go around driving their Hummers, etc. Having a roof over your head and a refrigerator puts you in the top 25% of the wealthiest people in the world... can you imagine? Though honestly, I don’t feel very wealthy as a try and scrape by.

In some ways I feel good about some things. Like, I’ve aged better than everyone my same age. A lot of people didn’t recognize me which was so flattering. I was also welcomed with such love by several people. It was just amazing to me. Yet at the same time I look at them... kids, families... and it hurts... the lost years. The time other people were creating lives. And I was put on hold for ten years. I am glad I didn’t marry young, etc. Still...... It just hurts.

I have choices ahead of me as to who I’ll choose to be. What may or may not be right. It felt good, but as I looked around me... I thought I don’t want to be like these people. There was something about it unsettling as well. I looked at skin textures, hair styles, the way people dressed, and just general demeanor... I listened to sermons... and I sat there seeing both side of the coin... as someone who’s heard this since they were a child and loved it, and also as a non-member.

I know the happiest and most settled I’ve ever been was my time as a member of the church... I know the church would provide stability, and family... That in hard times they would be there to back me up. Still.... I just don’t know. What is truth?

I sit here and I also think on what else I know, about the body’s energy systems, the things I’ve seen, what I’ve experienced, my research into different avenues. They were talking about a man who had been ex-communicated from the church by Brigham Young himself, for his views. And how now, in the current time, his descendants went to church authorities to have him reinstated because of the knowledge we have now coincides with the views the man was excommunicated for. Here’s the thing... If Brigham was a prophet of God... Then why excommunicate someone for the truth?? And there is so much else about Brigham and Joseph that truly bother me.... actions taken, things done.

Right now I’m hurting still and I’m lonely. It feels so awful to loose Betty. I do love her. However I deserve to be loved back... and I thought she did. However whenever I become inconvenient for her... she’s never there for me. She was so cruel this time, even attacking Maia.... and Maia in an innocent, and the most loving thing in the world. I love her so much. That and the general abandonment when I was in such a dark space, are what hit me hardest. It was like she went for the jugular with that... And again, as dark a space as I was... it was like turning your back on a drowning person when you have the ability to save them. You don’t do that to anyone... especially a friend. I would never do that to her... and I would have made time. I’ve done it for her before. I do console myself with the fact even though David was upset, her was willing to come through for me.... I was so close to just saying “Fuck it all.” And that’s what scares me... What happened pushed me so close to the edge. Yet I feel like I’ve been sitting on the edge for so long, looking into the abyss.

I am so tired at this time... tired of being so alone in the world, without family, and with few others who are close to me. I’m tired of poverty. I’m tired of struggle. I am tired of feeling like I’m trapped in some sort of limbo. I want it to change, or I want it to end, or I want some sort of resolution... This can not continue. Yet at this point I feel very powerless to change it.

Comments

Oh Jenn, I wish I could be there for you. I can so understand and feel what you mean, especially on your last lines. I've felt like that so many times before. *HUGZ* I still hope we can meet someday. I'm going to be sending wedding invitations soon and although my wedding wouldn't be the perfect time to meet, since I wouldn't have all the time I would want for us to talk and go out and do fun things, you know you're invited if you can make it. I'm going to be so nervous. My Mom is not happy about me moving away, but I'm desperate for a new life. I pray to God you find your true love soon! I know life can be a lot more bearable when you know someone loves you and is there for you.
God bless you Jenn! *HUGZ*

March 2013

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