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Mar. 24th, 2013

Some times

It's interesting that after all this time I might find myself back here. I know from looking for "friends' posts" most everyone seems to have moved on. So I guess at this point I post this out into the universe and we'll see if the universe tends to answer back.

At the moment I am feeling out of sorts. Will is sleeping in out room, I have hear the steadiness of his breathing from here. I wonder to myself where this sense of feeling a bit lost is coming from? Honestly I've been so happy for the most part, perhaps this is just the other side of the pendulum as it makes it's emotional arch, of sorts. Will chalks it up to the time of the year and yes, that might be playing in. It's been two years since I lost my mother. Her passing, and this time of the year do tend to take it out of me. However it's been more than just that. I've felt like in some ways I', just so very done with certain things. And perhaps that is health. Perhaps that is just growth and setting boundaries for what you will and you won't accept in your life. However it's also been like I've just felt drained. Lacking in pleasure or passion. Things that's I've attempted to cultivate in my life. I feel.... blah. Without spark or sparkle. There's likely a few layers to the emotional onion, so to speak. However isn't that how life works anyway. I've been floating along so happily and content. Without distraction. Perhaps it's that lacking in distraction or drama that's allowed whatever this is to surface, since this is the time I have to take a closer look at the who's the what's and the why's of this... whatever it is... that seems to be coming up for me. I know in my studies with Mama Gena she tends to say when w get into ruts like this, it's an alarm or a wake up call to get out grooves back on. I just feel of late nothing seems to speak to my soul or make it sing. I feel like a crabby spoiled child. I accept that's not me. However I also accept that's what I'm feeling right now and give validity to the rightness of it, that it is there for whatever the reason.

I'm pondering perhaps getting on sistergoddess.com again. I'd have to pay for it, but perhaps I could use a dose of the verve they seem to bring. I have some reservations as well. Ah, well. This is all part of the figuring out process just as getting on this old journals is and typing my thoughts into internet and it's vast landscape.s

Jan. 21st, 2008

Change of feeling and reflection on events.

After situations like those that recently took place, I find that I do tend to ebb a lot. Sometimes coming from a place of love, forgivnes, and a higher place in clarity. Then, at other moments, still rather clear, but coming from lower energy... Wanting to impart the wrath of God on people.

Today was one such a morning... I woke up almost with the exuberance of a child. You know, like when you're three and your parents want to kill you because you are up at dawn, excited and want to get the day going? In the midst of this gleeful moment... it hit me that: I seriously disliked David. A lot. I wanted to take my broom and beat him with it. Seriously, being that I really do love the kid as well, it totally took me by surprise.

Of late I’ve also had some time to reflect on things...

I’ve had a sudden complete turn of emotional state.

Being Happy... Which shocks me, especially given everything..

I had known for some time something was off with the friendship with David. I had watched him act and interact with people, and at times we would talk about his choices. We would laugh because I was sort of his Jimminy Cricket figure, coaching him through moral dilemmas, or offering advice after choices had been made. There were things he did I didn't like or approve of, but I did love him. I saw a lot of good in that Boy. I recall a couple of times when things went down and we talked about he and I, and how he dealt with people in general. He would usually tell me I was different and that he would never do those kind of things to me... He valued me and our friendship to much.

And yet... He did do things in a very similar pattern. He can really be very cruel with people when he wants.

The one thing I've noticed since he has been gone, is First and foremost, I'm more stable, and, as mentioned... Happy. I don't know the reason for that, but none the less, I am. As time has passed I've begun to wonder about it though.... He was always so clingy and wanting attention. Always seeking my approval. If I didn't text him back or return a call he would ask if I was angry and do the lost puppy thing. He came in and wove himself deeply into my world. We were together often, talked daily. It's probably the closest I've ever been to a person who wasn't family in my life. And yet... I was so deeply unhappy at the end. Even before the argument started. And now that he's gone, ties cut... I'm perfectly normal. Sometimes I feel bad and miss him... but over all I'm in very good space, and feel very much in my body.

Which brings me to the next question... Being and empath and a Psychic, what the Hell was it about David or the Relationship, that caused my body to react like it did??

This is one that's going to take some time to figure out, I guess. Though given how far into the darkness I was going, I am glad that it ended. I don't think I would have lived. The day he and Betty turned their backs on me, I was ready to end it (also why I was even more hurt... They're both psychic. As connected as we all were, on some level they knew what I was about to do, and abandoned me for dead. If Sandie hadn't called, I would have done it). And now... I can't even imagine that... Sure things aren't perfect, but to kill myself?? It's beyond imagination.

That's where I'm seriously wondering about all this.

It's like as the weeks pass, other layers and thoughts come up about all this. It's like peeling back an onion. It will be interesting to see what I find once I come to the core of all of it.

Jan. 19th, 2008

Perception and Reality

Something I’ve been thinking a lot about the last few weeks.

I like to relate this back to History. Or shall we say written history in the context of who writes it after a war. A good recent example is Vietnam. In the eyes of my country and how we tell the tale, it was something where we saw communist influence coming in, and that if Vietnam was to become fully communist, all of South East Asia to would fall to communist hands. However, now the flip side. The Vietnamese won.... and in their country they tell the tale of us basically not minding our business, invading their country trying to dominate them with our beliefs, culture, and opinions, and the pride they have for being victorious against such a large and wealthy country. Another example might be Germany, had Hitler and his forces succeed and been the victors. How would that have changed how history is told?

The truth of what happens in the world, both on a global and a personal perspective, is really in the eyes of the beholder. Sometimes individual. Sometimes group. I’ve been thinking on this a lot in a situation between myself and people I considered close friends. Where thing happened and were said that were either not understood, misconstrued, or there were huge blanks in the story that I can’t say I understand. So again, this is my perspective... The one coming from my area of the universe. In one case I have no understanding of why one of the people involved was angry in the first place. In another I wasn’t sure why the person became upset as to why things were said. On my end I know what I was feeling and thinking... though what it appeared to be to others? I can speculate only on that one. I can’t know. Especially since they refused to talk to me about it while it was happening, and through that directly I chose to end one of the friendships. The other I ended (in part) because though we tired to talk about things, I felt in a position that my voice wasn’t being heard... that when I went to listen to their reality, what they were thinking, feeling, and opinions on the situation, when I shared my own they were discounted.

Even as I write this again, I do so from the core of my own little corner of the universe. My perspective only. I know that there isn’t blank and white though, an that most everything is in the shades of grey between. Being human we many times lack the ability to rise out and above ourselves to see the bigger picture. To see things from everyone’s perspective. You would think it would be easier with friends and to come from the core of love you share together. Often times it’s not, because in those situations where you truly care, the hurt is even more deep, and you get even more caught up in yourself. And that’s part of the challenge I think in being human, is to learn to still love and understand even in the midst of hurt. In a healthy way, of course... I don’t condone situations where there is true abuse, neglect, or harm being done. And sometimes, like in situations as the one I mentioned, rising above it and gaining perspective, sometimes also leads to closure of the situation and parting from those people in your life. Sometimes temporary, sometimes forever.

Even as I write this I also think of the soul’s truth, the greater truth, the one that weaves in and out from behind the scenes. Those agreements made on the higher planes of reality, where our true selves exist. Where “Lesson plans” are designed. I know in one very painful situation as I was coming into my Psychic gifts and didn’t understand a lot, I know it was part of a larger lesson to move me to where I am now... a catalyst. To make me aware of my make me aware of my gifts so I could learn to use and control them, and to catapult me out of the stagnation I was in. Even though I was hurt very deeply, I’m grateful for it and to him. It truly was one of the most amazing lessons of my life. In the situations above, I still don’t have full clarity on them... some, but not all. Part was to learn to be self-respecting, and to get the karmic lesson placed before me again and again when I’ve been treated poorly and without respect, to say “Enough! My voice and feelings matter too!” rather than try and placate and pacify to keep a friendship, demeaning myself. I know in part it was to break me from the routine, to shake it up a bit. To force me outside the comfort zone, and to bring me to seek my own counsel, to learn more about my gifts and how they work for me personally (being that one of the friends had been a mentor figure). So rather than go and say to someone “What is this?” or “How do I do this?” I now must ask myself. Learn on my own, so I can better do what I do.

Jan. 18th, 2008

Through the eye of the universe - Dying - Thoughts on 2012

I posted this on my new My Space. If you fancy a look, or to Friend, it's http://www.myspace.com/chiyusoul

Last week my mother died.

Then she came back.

She's been in hospice for a week, now transfered to a Rehabilitation Center to gain her strength back.

I was with her the night she died.

They called me to tell me the time was close, and I called everyone to let them know and we spent the night at the hospital. It was myself, and my mother's brother and sister.

As you might know we have serveal planets retrograde adding to the feelings of heaviness and confussion. Things feel darker right now. No question. However that night it was diffrent. I could feel that we had loved one's around us, but through my ties to my mother I could feel empathically some of what was taking place for her. I didn't get to go in and visually witness, nor would I have wanted to. Feeling it was enough. She got lost.

It was truly a horrific night. I could feel her struggle. I knew she wasn't dead. Looking at her though, she seemed to be. How a voice could come out of such a still pale body, I have no idea. I flet love from the other side, but eventually I couldn't feel it anymore... it was just confusion, darkness and pain. It felt like I was being sucked through the center of the universe, or what a black hole must feel like. It was so cold and empty. This is not what I expected of death. And not what I personally expect for death... at least I hope not. I knew though what my mother was facing wasn't good, and I laid there in tears, confused as to what was going on and why. Why wasn't she finding my Grandparents and sisters... where had she taken herself? And what could I personally do about it?

My Grandmother after her death could be tracked to the void, an empty place, and later placed herself in Hell, or so I've been told. This came up during two Reiki sessions with my former mentor, Betty. I know Betty can be an amazing psychic. I also know that sometimes I never knew if I believed what she was telling me... some of it seemed a little far fetched and like it was adults playing pretend. Betty did say she energetically piggy backed me and led my Grandfather to my Grandmother, and we were able to get her out. I'm not sure what happened, but I do know that from my own studies that people can send themselves several places in the other spheres of reality. The old joke about religions having diffrent heavens is true... they do. Each created as thin lines between the dimensions, by the combined energies and throughts of the followers living and dead of a religious group.

When my mother was awake enough to talk to me, I asked her about what happened and what I had experienced. She told me what I described was exactly what she was going through. My Mother says where she went was a chalk cave... That there were figures, there, ledges. Strage how when she said it I could see it so clear. She said my Grandmother was there at one point. And was trying to console her. She said she told her mother that she didn't like this, and didn't want to be there. Grandma tried told her something along the lines of "I know, sweetheart. But you're here now." She said I showed up at one point, and I'm sure my astral form was with her, and why I was feeling it in my physical body. She also mentioned someone else, and actor I don't know, and I figure that may have been an interritation she made of someone or something she couldn't understand... She wouldn't talk much about the experience. It frightened her. All she say is she doesn't want to do it again. Frustration thing is tht as I tried to talk to her and explain she didn't have to her sister came in, and shut the conversation down. Susan is eight years older than my mother... and frankly is afraid of death herself... everytime I've mentioned what I experienced, she asked me in a rather sarcastic tone "What does it matter?" It matters because what my mom went through was a choice... and she can choose diffrently.

I talked with Pam Michaels on Sun. This is was before I could talk in any degree with my Mom. She said a lot of what I empathically picked up was what the Tibetian Book of the Dead describes. She also said what my mother was going through was karmic and there wasn't much I could really do. I still think it's worth a try. My mother is the most open minded of my Grandmother's children, in part becasue she has me as a daughter and we would always talk about things I was studying, etc.

The other thing that Pam let slip, which I already knew, was that the void my mother went through (that feeling), the space in death between the worlds.... is something the planet has to pass through in it's ascension. Frankly I think we're all getting a taste of it now with the retrograde. When she said it she looked at me to see how I would take it, then said "Perhaps it won't be in our life time." However, I think it will be. After all 2012 is when the Earth lines up with the Galaxy Center. They talk about the Mayan's and how thier game they played was a story in fact, people trying to get a ball through a ring, and the winners beheaded. The ring is the center of the universe, the ball is the earth, and death... is death. It's also nessisary for rebirth. I think the planet will walk through that energetic plane or dimension, just as I did the other night. It's something you can do without physically dying. However it's also important when it comes to waking up, to ressurection. For me, going there has done that in some degree. I won't ever look at the world the same way again. And it made me realize how important our healing is... in part becasue life, even after death is a journey. How we live will play into that journey, and the wounds we carry play out on the other side as well, and can do so in a frightening way, since there thought is reality even more that we experience that here. The density of the dimensiuons is less, so it's easier to create and happens much faster. Why whole "Heavens" can be formed by a mass conciousness.

I can say the last few weeks has been interesting. It's also been a call to stand in my power and get back on my path. There's a lot more I want to say about this, but due to time constraints, I can't. It will have to wait till later.

Jan. 1st, 2008

My Space

I did also delete my My Space. I just don't feel into it right now.

And the lesson learned

I went down to The Braid and talked with Ross there. The nice thing about reads is that they will most times let me know what I need, and they reaffirm that I'm all right.

Ross read on all of it. And, I feel at this point my direction at least with David is clear. For a long time now I've felt this ending. I've had a difficult time with that. I didn't want to loose him. However he is making it difficult for me to move forward. When he is around he is around all the time, to the point I have none for me... and when I take space it's "Are you mad at me Jenn?" Then when he's not there, and I feel insecure, then I'm clingy and being needy and not treating him like a friend. Today, as mentioned, he's not checked to see how either I or my mother are doing. Enough said.

I will not be contacting David again. At least not any time soon. And I did spell work just moments ago to energetically cut the cords between us. I do still have keep of a lot of his stuff. However I'll be moving to a smalled storage unit soon, and the plan was only for him to keep his stuff there a short while... and he's not paying rent like he promised.

Like with Betty, I value myself to much for this... I deserve more, and better. That's what true friendship is. Not just when it works for the one person, at the cost of the other. This is vampiric.

Ross also told me to watch in future for warning signs, and to feel through things. I'll be warned. And yes, I did have a lot of warning with David. I've seen him do fucked up, cruel things to people. He always said it was different than me. It is not.

At this point life moves forward, and he said drawing my boundries and closing this chapter will allow now opportunities to arise. I know back in the Brian days, George, another reader at the Braid warned me to seek Brian was to loose everything. I did. However I did also gain much, including my freedom... and I don't think looking back I would have chosen another path. The other thing he warned is that I would fall off my path, and have a hard time getting back on. This is where I am now. How does this move forward from here? What should I be doing? How, without a car at this point, am I to do massage? I may have to wait for warmer weather and see what I can find. My fear is I've not been doing it actively in some time. I also have my National Certification due to renew in a year. I have a certain number of hours needed to complete in actually doing massage, as well as continuing ed. Most jobs require insurance, which I don't have at this point. And sometimes monthly dues. I don't know if it would be best to try to fight to pull all this together, or to go back and try and do school... then just redo my national exam... which would also be Hell.
He did say most of my worry about holes in my education was in my head, and I could fill those holes without having to go back to school for a year... and I know he's right. However I also would love to have access to the UCMT database of jobs. Which I kind of sort of do, anyway.... most people do. And I worry about killing myself trying to work full time and go to school, without a car. I need a car, and I need money. Both seem to go hand in hand. Though I know in the past things have worked themselves out... I just need to figure it out this time as well.


The other hard thing with this is David. I knew I was losing Betty, that was a choice... It looks like I’ll loose him as well, and my heart is so broken over it. I trusted him. I truly do love them both. However when the chips are down, where are they? David isn’t here. I texted him and told him what was going on. Last night, and all I got was an “I’m sorry.” Later I texted him and said how whenever he needs he, I’m there, even in the middle of the night I don’t say Boo... yet all I get is an “I’m sorry.” My mother could die. My mother. He came to me in the middle of the night because a boy he was dating tried to commit suicide in his bed. I know that was traumatic... but this carries more weight. He called and said he would come... then I never heard from him. Eventually I just called and left a message saying never mind. He called and asked if I was sure. I said Yes. However... Today, not a word. Not to see if she’s okay, or if I am. Sandie made me promise not to call him. Without he, Betty or my Mom, Sandie is my main source of support....my only real close friend/family. I feel so abandoned and lost right now. Like why when they mean so much to me, why am I not important to? Especially when they say I am?

I know these behaviors aren’t friendship... and that’s what’s hurting me so deeply.

My Mom

She's been in the hospital since yesterday. She came in non-responsive, She had pneumonia and also they found she was responding adversely to some of the drugs. She has a do not resuscitate order So through that order I am left to make all the life and death choices... to give her fluids, or give her anti-biotics... what is her quality of life, what can be expected. I figured we would just get fluids in her, get the meds going and everything would be okay... Today they call saying that her blood pressure and levels are low... and now what do I want. She's not all together with it so they can't ask her. I keep having to decide if she lives or dies. This is Hell. And I keep wandering if I'm making the right choices and what to do. No one knows what to tell me. I play out all the options in my head and wonder... I feel so lost.

Dec. 30th, 2007

Time and Season

I feel a bit lost right now. I went to church today in the first time in forever... it felt good there... but I don’t know. I have some very strong set beliefs. Reincarnation, Polytheism... I don’t think everything is really black and white. I find it a little hypocritical at times how we talk about greed, etc. in the church, as people go around driving their Hummers, etc. Having a roof over your head and a refrigerator puts you in the top 25% of the wealthiest people in the world... can you imagine? Though honestly, I don’t feel very wealthy as a try and scrape by.

In some ways I feel good about some things. Like, I’ve aged better than everyone my same age. A lot of people didn’t recognize me which was so flattering. I was also welcomed with such love by several people. It was just amazing to me. Yet at the same time I look at them... kids, families... and it hurts... the lost years. The time other people were creating lives. And I was put on hold for ten years. I am glad I didn’t marry young, etc. Still...... It just hurts.

I have choices ahead of me as to who I’ll choose to be. What may or may not be right. It felt good, but as I looked around me... I thought I don’t want to be like these people. There was something about it unsettling as well. I looked at skin textures, hair styles, the way people dressed, and just general demeanor... I listened to sermons... and I sat there seeing both side of the coin... as someone who’s heard this since they were a child and loved it, and also as a non-member.

I know the happiest and most settled I’ve ever been was my time as a member of the church... I know the church would provide stability, and family... That in hard times they would be there to back me up. Still.... I just don’t know. What is truth?

I sit here and I also think on what else I know, about the body’s energy systems, the things I’ve seen, what I’ve experienced, my research into different avenues. They were talking about a man who had been ex-communicated from the church by Brigham Young himself, for his views. And how now, in the current time, his descendants went to church authorities to have him reinstated because of the knowledge we have now coincides with the views the man was excommunicated for. Here’s the thing... If Brigham was a prophet of God... Then why excommunicate someone for the truth?? And there is so much else about Brigham and Joseph that truly bother me.... actions taken, things done.

Right now I’m hurting still and I’m lonely. It feels so awful to loose Betty. I do love her. However I deserve to be loved back... and I thought she did. However whenever I become inconvenient for her... she’s never there for me. She was so cruel this time, even attacking Maia.... and Maia in an innocent, and the most loving thing in the world. I love her so much. That and the general abandonment when I was in such a dark space, are what hit me hardest. It was like she went for the jugular with that... And again, as dark a space as I was... it was like turning your back on a drowning person when you have the ability to save them. You don’t do that to anyone... especially a friend. I would never do that to her... and I would have made time. I’ve done it for her before. I do console myself with the fact even though David was upset, her was willing to come through for me.... I was so close to just saying “Fuck it all.” And that’s what scares me... What happened pushed me so close to the edge. Yet I feel like I’ve been sitting on the edge for so long, looking into the abyss.

I am so tired at this time... tired of being so alone in the world, without family, and with few others who are close to me. I’m tired of poverty. I’m tired of struggle. I am tired of feeling like I’m trapped in some sort of limbo. I want it to change, or I want it to end, or I want some sort of resolution... This can not continue. Yet at this point I feel very powerless to change it.

Dec. 29th, 2007

Christmas Package From My Aunt...

Well... I finally got over to see my mother and gave her the shirts I bought her for Christmas. I also picked up the presents that my Aunt Sue, who I no longer speak to, purchased for me. I knew she bought me clothes.. she always buys me clothes... clothes that 90 year onld women wear and that should be outlawed... all with Elastic waist. It's like WTF? Seriously. I never wore anything like this when she knew me, and I'm far more stylish these days... I could return them, but she bought them at freaking K-Mart. There isn't a K-Mart within miles of me (and thank you God for that Blessing)... So I burn them or donate them. I think I'll do humaity a favor and let them die by flames.

Why, why, WHY don't people understand the absolute nessesity of Gift Cards? DO NOT force your fasion sense, or lack there of on others... It's cruel.

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